I started strong back in August. One post at a time, I took you through my blog’s rebirth story and then had a little fun unpacking my mission statement. I had a plan and the plan looked good.
Then I bailed.
I made excuses. I examined and re-examined my time budget. I blamed the newest blessing.
What happened to my mojo?
Then last Thursday I found myself quietly crying because I didn’t want to fix my family lunch, and I didn’t want to have my daughter do it either because she wouldn’t do it right. (She’s six, and I’m a perfectionist. Most of the time I swallow that and let her learn.)
Besides, I really didn’t want what we had available anyway. Peanut butter and banana sandwiches are usually a treat, but for my quiet baby fit nothing was good enough.
My sweet husband held me then hurried to the store to buy me a Dr. Pepper before rushing off to work.
I dried my tears, shot off an email to my mastermind group that I would not be attending our weekly call (Hi Anne, Steph, and Tom!), and made sandwiches while the kids played. I focused on keeping my voice calm and letting my thoughts and prayers roam.
I really wanted this blog to forever be a happy place. I want my whole life to be that way. I so often feel under attack because I put being a mother over being a (fill in the blank). So I allow myself to complain almost never to almost no one, and the frustration builds. I love my children. I love being a mother.
But sometimes it ain’t easy.
What happens when I want to write only sunshine, but I don’t feel sunshine? I write nothing.
And the frustration builds.
Back on this post as I explored my “mission” I asked a rhetorical question, and a caring reader zoomed in on it. His concern wasn’t unfounded.
You ask, “Am I being selfish when I demand a little writing time?” As the father of five born quickly and who are now adults, and as the husband of the woman who bore them, I watched her struggle with post-partum depression at a time when that malaise had no name. It is important for you to take care of yourself, not simply physically but spiritually, emotionally and psychologically as well. If writing can help you in that regard, make time for it somehow. Far better to write than to struggle with a fog that can enter your mind from nowhere and linger much longer than you might now imagine. Sorry to sound dour. But I hope you will write as much as possible and live life to its fullest. -Donal Mahoney
God surrounds me by caring people even in the virtual world.
I have battled with serious depression at least since my first child was born. Looking back, I can see that quiet monster keeping me company long before then. I remember sometime back in my early teens sitting in school and wishing with all my strength that I had never existed because no one would miss me if I had never been.
Perhaps a mixture of the hormones, learning how to be married, the stress and crazy fears of new motherhood, and other life-related things made what had always been there much worse. We all have our weaknesses. Depression is mine.
But why put this out there? Why talk about a common difficulty of motherhood on a blog that is supposed to celebrate motherhood?
Because the me of six years ago might exist out there today in another young woman.
Darling, do not chance upon my blog and think, “Here’s another woman that has it all together when I’m falling apart.” There is a reason that postpartum depression poster greets you from nearly every doctor’s office and hospital bathroom. You are not alone. You are not a bad mom. You are not a failure. Honey, please, do not fight this battle by denying that the battle exists. Talk to your man. Talk to your doctor. Talk to your pastor. Your mom, your sister, your friend. Someone! If you need medication or counseling, get it! Do not hide in those dark shadows surrounding you. You don’t have to live there.
A Few of My Weapons – Unlimited Uses Available
- Prayer – Keep a dialogue going with God all day long. If you feel like crawling into a ditch, say so. It’s okay. He already knows. Ask others to pray for you as well.
- Scripture – Psalm 27:1 became my first battle cry. The Bible is full of many others. Find a few, and carve them into your armor.
- Rest – Whenever I start thinking about my long to-do list and feeling that I just can’t do it, I take my thoughts captive and tell myself, “It seems insurmountable because I’m tired. I’ll get the kids to bed and go to bed myself. Tomorrow is a new day.”
- Water – Sometimes I feel awful because I am thirsty. Dr. Pepper should be a treat. My body needs plain water. I aim to drink a gallon a day. I can tell when I haven’t had enough.
- Good Food – My body needs certain vitamins and nutrients to work at its best. What is your body begging you for?
- Goals – The newborn cycle goes something like cry, eat, sleep, cry, poop, repeat, repeat, repeat. It’s not the time to start huge projects, but make simple goals like “shower almost daily” or “snuggle with baby.” Write them down and check them off. If you find “extra” time, laugh about our shared new-mom challenges. As baby grows, allow your goals growing room too.
- Complain - Don’t dwell on the negatives forever, but it’s okay to vent a little to the right people. Sometimes admitting your frustrations out loud takes away their power.
- Create – Writing is my thing. Even if I’m only writing a thought dump, it lightens my mood. If you’re reading this blog, writing might be your thing too. Or it might be underwater basket weaving. Whatever. Do something that makes you feel accomplished.
- More – Again and again I must say, if you need medication or counseling, GET IT!
Just writing this post has helped me feel immensely better. I hope it helps someone out there as well.
photo credit: AdrianAesthetic
